There’s something about the New Year that brings the allure of change. Not just calendar change – because, lets be honest, everyone still accidentally writes the old year in the date, at least until July. The New Year comes with promise – much like a gym membership. You’re pretty much guaranteed a new body, new social life, new outlook and some rock-hard willpower that you’ve never quite managed to master before but of course you will manage it in 2016 …it’s a NEW YEAR. Duh.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking the old ‘New year, New Me’ sentiment. I think making resolutions and intentions to change are a perfect way to remind yourself of your goals and a great excuse to go after them wholeheartedly (I do this every month, in fact). The New Year means you can shake off whatever negative shit you felt held you back in the past, and start afresh. And all jokes aside, I know that at the end of 2014, I was desperately praying that the New Year would change my life for the better, because I was well and truly ready to give up.
Allow me to revisit the end of 2014 just for one (awfully depressing) minute. I was 28 weeks pregnant, horrifically anxious, suffering with the beginnings of perinatal depression, and questioning whether or not there was any point to my life. This is what I wrote on New Years Eve –
Truly, I’m tired. I’m absolutely exhausted from feeling this fear every second of the day. I’m tired of fighting it, I’m tired of trying not to fight it, I’m tired of crying and and I’m tired of feeling more and more like giving up altogether.If this is what my life is going to continue to be like….I don’t want to live.It really hurts me to think that. I fucking hate myself for even saying it. But there it is.I can only hope and pray that with the new year comes a new strength in me. I hope that next new years eve, I won’t be sitting in my room alone, contemplating ending my life. I hope I’ll be out somewhere with my child and my partner, drinking champagne and looking back on the year that changed my life.Please, please let 2015 be the year that I climb out of this agoraphobic nightmare.Goodbye 2014, you will not be missed.
Wishing you all a very happy New Year!